for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.