my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
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When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.