Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new