Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
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My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.