My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Good morning y’all ☀️
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.