Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
“What movie?” 🤔
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.