ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
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i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.