Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
You Might Also Like
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.