Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
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Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
kevin is now a local weatherman
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..