WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“I took care of your clown problem.”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.