Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Can’t, holding a grudge
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
That’s no pocket rocket.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Not all heroes wear capes….