Can’t, holding a grudge
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I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.