83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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I can’t stop laughing at this
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.