Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
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*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
How it started: How it’s going:
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
what the
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Social Media and Real life
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Just grow your own
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume