Just grow your own
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Finally! 😈
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out