they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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never compromise your values
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?