Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
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I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.