I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
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[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Autocorrect completely socks
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.