My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it