You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
lmao
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
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If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.