Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Are you ok, human???
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats