I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
The Book. The Movie.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!