I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Worst perfume name ever.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming