From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
This why you should mind your business
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?