Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?