I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
You Might Also Like
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
work smarter, not harder
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
“what that mouth do?” complain
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far