I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.