My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Tastes like chicken.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰