I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
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good let them take over I have had enough
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.