Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening