Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
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[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.