Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.