losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
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ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Lmao the reply
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.