You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
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I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
all bases covered
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”