Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
the council will decide your fate
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…