Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
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amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.