using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
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GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.