My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
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{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.