All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You Might Also Like
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
mumsnet is amazing
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Wake me when AI does housework
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.