Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!