Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
wow he looks just like him
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.