relationship goals
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Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Time heals everything 🙂
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground