Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
accurate
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.