I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

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Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles


Alright ok fine


My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver


I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.


I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.


I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…


January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.


I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.



“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”


“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”