I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*