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I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My Plans 2020
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Put this video in the Louvre
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty