I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
*bites zombie*
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.