Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
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girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse