I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
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My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man