I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
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Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.