[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.