The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel